verbatim as title says
its been a few days that ive been left with myself at work doing nothing because theres been no tasks, today specially i havent been even in the mood to feel bored because i know its not my choice to be bored hence i dont live boredom in the same way that i would, lets say, experience it during a slow afternoon on a saturday when im not working and i just spend time doing nothing in my bed
and even then, it pisses me off! i hate being bored because i dont know how to enjoy boredom like i used to! so today i decided i'd break my website a little, just to experience something. i didnt go all the way through with it but i had some funny results! i managed to put buttons i drew myself on top on the banner section and make them interactible :) its kids' shit really. but its been a nice "aha!" moment
that was the end of my boredom though, because after that the sentiment of not being able to do everything immediately kicked in and hoo boy it has strong legs
i wanna try once im back from voting to actually make a layout and a landing page first, a little "hello! you may enter" kinda page, but i wanna be bored enough that i enjoy what im doing. i wanna get back being bored to where i just picked up something and did it!! like, a few weeks ago i made a little spreadsheet ( link here <-- ) where i started listing all of the music that i wanted to obtain so that i could fill my old phone with it and use that more often rather than opening youtube music and listen to the same four soungs, because i do have the power of variety, but im so bored of it that i just cant help but listen to the same music always because its so much more comfortable than actually developing a taste and explore new stuff, like i used to. its always "like i used to" and never "like i do now"!!!!!!!
IM SO BOREEEEEDDDDDD AUHRGHHH
i want to continue this spreadsheet so that maybe one day i decide to bring forward this project, like many many manyy other interrupted projects. i picked up reading back too lately! i read two books, im stalling the third one because i can't be bothered to continue because my brain has zero patience for elaborating information about the characters, i am reading agatha christie's the mysterious mr quin. and i love the concept behind it! but i just can't bring myself to continue it. i have the brain of a two years old. scrolling tiktok or opening and closing bluesky on the bus with zero purpose is much more enjoyable than actually making my brian work, apparently
well, fuck you brain!
on the other side, ive been watching an unhealthy amount of smosh videos, specifically the ones where angela giarratana causes the utmost chaos bc i know her from dropout (thanks bf for making me know of this awesome platform) and now seeing her in a more unhinged way makes me enjoy her work more. and she's queer too! i love her. i wanna be her. but even watching smosh eventually became craving for clips, shorts, fast content formats that are completely making me disdain even the thought of looking for full lenght videos that i can enjoy in my free time or whenever i work and need some company
i hate that its either this or that, i want both, i want to both enjoy the fast stuff and the long term projects, because i feel that i will lose my mind if i dont. if i dont go back to spending the day feeling bored in a way that doesnt completely destroy me i'll actually go insane.
i hate being 31, going for 32 in just a few weeks, yay me
i dont even wanna celebrate that, because i know it'll bring me the realization that my brain has aged further and the further i go away from the memory of what life used to the be, the worse i get
anyway after this snoozefest of a post,
another successful embed :)